Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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