Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
