i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize