Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
