listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
