I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
