My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
