There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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