My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
