can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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