just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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