I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize