i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
