Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
