People with herpes should wear stickers.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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