A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I touched a dick in church today
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
