All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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