Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
