Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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