Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
