i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize