dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
