Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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