Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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