So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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