I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
