Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can I color on your dick again?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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