Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
