I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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