what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
