What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
