dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
