I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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