Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
