well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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