Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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