What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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