You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
it's like iHOP with fire
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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