My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
