He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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