it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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