Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize