sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
