i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
