Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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