Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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