i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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