I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
