i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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