She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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