You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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