In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
