Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
