The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
