Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What a dumb baby whore.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
